Posted on r/ChapoTrapHouse by u/Baader-Meinhof from the Ashes Ashes podcast.
For all the Americans out there, it’s the worst time of year once again: Thanksgiving. It’s a holiday celebrating tricking Native’s into helping you before you kill them, brown colored food, and being forced to spend time with your racist extended family so there’s not exactly much to be excited about. This year we wanted to put together a handy guide for you on how to ruin Thanksgiving and show your family that there’s not all that much to be thankful for, that they should feel guilty as fuck for flying home, and that the collapse of the environment and our civilization are imminent.
Good, ready?
So your family starts talking about those California wildfires. Your Aunt mentions how awful it was that her favorite star lost their fourth house
You: (mutter under your breath about it’s too bad they weren’t in there). You know a huge amount of the firefighters working to save these millionaire homes are prisoners working in modern day slave labor (would you like to learn more ). In fact, if we’re talking about slavery, well there are more slaves now than any point in human history before .
Racist Uncle: GOOD. It’s about time to those people contribute something back to society. THEY’RE A DRAIN AND DESERVE MUCH WORSE. (also something about slavery being constitutional for prisoners that they heard on fox news. also also they heard slaves back then were actually treated good by their masters and happy. also also also the irish had it worse than anyone and do we see them asking for free stuff now?)
You: Well just because it’s legal, doesn’t make it right. Prisons are terrible and a machine built to profit off this suffering . Besides, huge amounts of those people were locked up for unjust laws, are victims of a failed drug war (learn more in No Entry ) or bad data , or were were found guilty on totally made up forensic science. Yeah Dad, that’s right, CSI is bullshit and DNA, fingerprints, bitemarks, hair analysis, splatter analysis, gun analysis, impressions, and whole bunch more bits of “science” are either poorly executed or totally made up (it’s true, learn all about it in Suspect Science ).
Mom (panicking): well that’s awful, but so is the air out there. my friend’s son works for Youber and I heard he has to wear a mask to work - just like the Chinese do!
You: Actually all our air is slowly killing us . In fact air pollution worldwide is one of the biggest killers we face today and can cause everything from heart disease, to Alzheimers, to cancer - and it doesn’t have to be insane levels to drastically shorten our lives. I mean we’re probably dying from it right here, right now.
[silent pause]
Grandpa: Well, that’s nice son, but some of us are running out of time anyway and would like to get to eating. So let’s shut up and be thankful for this food.
You: I agree with that. We should be thankful that we have food at all - I mean the UN estimates that world’s agricultural top soil will be exhausted by 2075 causing mass famine and starvation so we might as well enjoy it while we can - except the sugar , that’s killing us too.
[/scene]
Feel free to mix and match these sections. Be creative! There’s so many ways the world is doomed and they all work together fairly seamlessly because of the huge and unwieldy nature of our modern civilization and hellscape. There’s plenty more bits you can plug in fairly seamlessly. Here’s a few stats we think will help you:
-
Rising CO2 is making us dumber - in fact every 400ppm is a 20% decline in cognition
-
IPCC claims 12 years left to prevent >1.5C temperatures (well 11 years and 1 month), but really the actual number is more like negative 8 years to make that change.
-
The geoengineering people will suggest to fix this is probably going to just make things even worse
-
Because of all this, the UN predicts 1.5 billion refugees in the coming decades. THAT’S 300,000 CARAVANS, UNCLE LOU.
-
A solar flare or determined terrorist group could wipe out the nation’s electrical grid for 2 years with almost no notice or investment respectively cough, cough
-
fake news is no longer limited to just dumb articles and statements, but now we can’t trust video or audio either
-
The Earth will soon have temperatures and humidity levels that will make human life literally impossible
-
Facts about the sixth mass extinction we caused because we love flying and buying are always good mood builders
-
Your poor quality sleep is almost certainly killing you
-
Well that and also the loud as fuck world we live in that has destroyed what little natural environments that were left
Now it’s your turn! Try mixing and matching these facts (or more you can find on https://ashesashes.org , soundcloud , spotify , /r/ashesashescast , or your favorite podcast app under “Ashes Ashes”) in the comments to create the ultimate thanksgiving day mood killer. It’s a great way to estrange your family and not get invited back next year so you can actually have fun!
Try this format for starters: That’s nice, but did you know [horrible fact] means that we’re fucked in [specific horrible way] and that the only solution is [thing that will never happen because of the status quo]?
How quickly can you derail this year’s celebration?
Comments?
Hi there! You could be the first person who comments on this thing.